I COULD talk about the amazing wedding I went to last weekend, or the election, or anything else...

But right now I'm most excited about the vast amounts of black I added to my wardrobe this weekend.

Set Ees = gothy

WOOT! WE'RE NOT FUCKED FOR FOUR MORE YEARS!

Huh. So after I made that last post, my stalker contacted ME. I had figured out who he was, and as soon as I said I knew, he came clean. He sent me a very, very, VERY long letter telling me about his intentions; as I expected he's totally harmless. For the most part I just brushed the whole thing off- until one sentence at the end of his missal that was so over the top I just couldn't bite my tongue anymore. He said- and I quote here- "...And now I stand accused of stalking you. And really, is that so wrong?"

Oh. My. GOD. How dare you presume that a disgusting, unhealthy, and highly illegal offense could ever be innocent? What kind of a person would need to ask such a thing? As you might imagine, I went utterly ballistic. I told him to get the hell away from me and my family, or I'd be contacting the FBI, thankyouverymuch.

And it worked. His journal- a chronicle of lies he told to gain access to my information- is now gone.

But I still don't feel very comfortable. Something has shifted here, and I'm not totally sure I won't be moving journals anyway. But at least, occasionally, justice prevails in the world, huh?

Man, it's been a small infinity since I last updated, hasn't it? So much has happened, I'm not even gonna try to begin to describe it here- I've left it so long, may as well put it off another day. Instead, I'd like to ask for you, my LJ flist, to help me with an LJ-related problem I'm having.

See, I haven't updated this journal in so long because, frankly, there are people reading my journal who I don't want knowing what's going on in my life. That's the short version. The long(er) version is that I have reason to believe that I have a potential e-stalker. Dramallama, you shout? No, I promise, my life is just that weird. Anyway, I have a pretty good idea who this person is, and it isn't someone I want knowing a damn thing about me. Besides Mr. Stalker Pants, there are just some internet personages who I need not to have in my life anymore.

The obvious answer is to go friends-only all the time from here on out, but that irks me. The whole point of a blog is to have a public chronicle of your thoughts, and I wholeheartedly believe that friends-only journals defeat the point of blogging altogether. So, here are the two options I've thought up for myself:

Option #1: Start a new LJ. I'll let my LJ-buddies, the people who I trust to read my stuff, know where I've gone (virtual breadcrumbs?) and go. All entries there will be public, but my real name will never, ever be used (I'm pretty sure this is how Mr. Stalker Pants linked this journal to me, and it will never happen again).

Option #2: Retain this journal and go to "friends-mostly". What I mean by that is that I'll stay here and I won't de-friend anyone (I like reading posts, even if I don't want some people reading some of mine). I'll make a post as a sign-up sheet for a filter, and from then on, anything other than "Here's what I did today" posts- how I feel about stuff, my plans, movies I liked, etc.- will be posted to that friends filter only. The only thing non-approved people will read will be "I went here and did this" posts, and being friended won't be enough to see the more personal entries.

I'm torn on this- I love this username, and still identify with it a lot, despite its being four years old (wow, I was just surprised that something four years old still resonates with me. I AM young), but I'd really like the freedom of not censoring myself in any way every. Thoughts? I really like the LJ community, and I miss having a place to just type out my stupid thoughts, whatever they be- it was good for me.

Someday I'll do a real entry, I promise. Included shall be: Senior Prank, my oral, graduation, working for a veterinary clinic, and moonlighting as a dominatrix.

Wednesday morning at 1:30 AM I woke up and had to make a mad dash for the dorm bathroom. Whatever it was that made me sick was out very soon, but I kept dry heaving for hours after that. When blood started appearing I panicked and woke up Brandon. That was at about 4; he stayed with me until 7 and then went to sleep. Abby woke up at 8 and I told her what was up. After conferring with the nurse, all involved decided I needed some help, so I went to the ER.
I went through 3 IV bags and was still dehydrated at the end of the day. Also lots of morphine (the only pain med I didn't have to swallow) and anti-nausea stuff. After the docs did a CT scan (which revealed cysts in scary places, but nothing to do with the current situation) they decided it was bacterial and let me go with some Cipro and nausea pills. I was in for almost the whole day, but thankfully, not overnight.
Right now I feel great, but the past day and a half have been hell. The thing that made it OK was people; while I was still in ER, most of the dorm came to visit me (and Brandon stayed with me literally all day). Humans are amazing and I am perhaps the luckiest. God only knows how I managed to have such good friends.

So now I'm checking back over my flist and seeing that the week has been similarly shitty for everyone else. One friend had to say goodbye to someone very important to him. Another two may be seriously ill. What the fuck? Planetary alignment? Malfunctioning nanomachines? Whatever. My heart goes out to you guys; you know I'm pulling for you. Good vibes are being sent your way.

Just to try to end this on an up swing- depending on how well I feel, I may be able to get Zolte the adorable possum as early as tomorrow :) I am madly knitting him a pouch to hide in; apparently they like that.

1) I had my senior oral on Thursday! I did a good job of not panicking, and for the most part enjoyed it. The convo started well; we explored topics that were not within the scope of the paper but which we were all interested in. Then Houser intervened and started asking me REALLY WEIRD QUESTIONS about Hester's love for Dimmesdale; it was clear that that was a big part of his reading of the book and he was upset I didn't consider it. In certain cases he didn't even ask me questions; he just made statements and then I realized he wanted me to respond :/ But it was all OK. I got my papers back immediately after; I passed the oral (duh) and the comments each committee member wrote reflected what he or she said in the oral. So yay!

The coolest thing about the whole shebang was how many people came to watch me :) I think I counted eighteen. Everyone from my closest friends to my boss and co-workers to my ex-pastor. I felt REALLY honored!

Now I feel so done with the year I'm not really doing my homework any more. This needs to change. In an hour. I hope.

2) Abby and I went and looked at a house! It has 2 bd, 1 br, a living room, a dining room, and a kitchen. IT IS AMAZING. The landlord was super-nice and OKed pets! The only thing that kept us from giving him the deposit right then and there is that Brandon needs to find out from financial aid if he'll be able to pay for rent next year. Oh yeah, Brandon will be living with us :) This decision was made in the last few days, but I'm super psyched about it. I mean, hell, it means we can afford a house instead of an apt! So Brandon'll do the final number-crunching tomorrow and with any luck we'll be able to give the guy a deposit tomorrow! w00t!

3) I might get a pet possum! A girl in my class needs to find her pet short-tailed opossum a home when she graduates. As soon as I heard, I did some research, and not only are they SUPER-CUTE, but I think they'd fit into my life real well. As soon as we know about the house (pet-friendly!), I'll tell the girl YES YES GIVE HIM TO MEEEE and haggle about the price :)

4) Today some friends and I went to the aforementioned pastor's house (pastor of the Hippie Church, the only church I've ever felt comfortable in) for food and discussion and a movie. Actually, they arranged it pretty much entirely so that I could ask the guy my questions, which all had to do with the idea of the Christ (the thing that stuck out so bad for me that I stopped going to church). He explained it in a way that REALLY made sense to me, so now I'm wondering how much Christianity I've been imposing on Pantheism this whole time. Long story short, it's time for me to think lots about Christianity again. Weird.

UPDATE! As I was writing this, Abby found a listing for another house that, from the pictures posted, looks just as nice as the one we already saw, and would be MUCH closer to school. Good for Brandon. We're gonna go see it tomorrow. Yay!

So I birthdayed it up on Tuesday. Mom and I drove out to the Hetch Hetchy Reservoir, which was cool 'cause the last time we went was in the summer and I was too sick to get out of the car :/ But it was SO pretty. Light mist, kinda windy & cool, overcast, not many people... all the good parts of Yosemite ;) (also, if you've never heard of it, you should Wiki the reservoir. It has a fascinating story.)

I made a resolution on my birthday, because it makes more sense to me to make 'em now than at New Years': I resolve to try to be a more positive person from now on. I'm so tired of being angry and stressed and unhappy all the time, not to mention the fact that I turn into an utter bitch and take my negative energy out on my friends, who deserve much better :/ And there's no reason for it; my life actually rocks pretty hard, when I stop to think about it. So there you go. 30 days to a nicer, friendlier Ees. Maybe. We hope.

I realized today, thinking about how wonderful this break has been, that I really do not care about SJC any more. Before, when I said I didn't care, it was in a teenage rebellion angsty kinda way; I didn't care about SJC in the same way I used to not care about what a jerk my dad was ;) But now that I'm dealing with things like finding a place to live, buying my first car, getting health insurance... Saint John's just seems way too insignificant to get my dander up. Who cares about Lobachevsky when I have to find a job? It was really very freeing (if detrimental to my homework) to realize that Saint John's is not my life and has no right to bear so heavily on my state of mind. I like to think this is my birthday resolution at work :)

Checking my flist just now, I came to the conclusion that my posts are possibly very boring. And perhaps not what you, my beloved Peanut Gallery, want to spend your precious free time reading. That said, this is stolen from laughingsnow:
Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it.
(Seriously, guys, ask and ye shall receive. No holds barred. Comment anonymously if asking freaks you out.)

Ok, so: mom left for her class about 1/2 an hour ago, instructing me to finish putting veggies in the stew (corned beef & cabbage is a St. Patrick's Day tradition in our very Irish family).

However, we all know that Ees + kitchen = DISASTER. I wonder what my mom will say when she comes home in 2 hours and sees that the stew hasn't been cooking because I can't put the lid on the pot >.<

And I haven't even been drinking.

It was last night ^^ For non-Johnnies, it's a semi-formal dance held annually here. This year's was amazingly fun.

I dressed up all purty-like (pics on Facebook; go!) and went with Brandon, who ditched me at about 11 to go with some people to buy Brawl :( Lame. But it was OK, because the music was pretty sweet (Vanilla Pop, a cover group, and some Elvis impersonator, who was good for a laugh). Also, I got to be molested by dance with two of my favorite people, and that was pretty sweet. I danced literally all night, including getting up on stage and jamming out. Also, at some point in the evening, and adorable pink spiked dog collar materialized around my neck. Srsly. (For that matter, Ian, if you're reading this [and I know you are] and you figured out to whom this thing belongs, lemme know and I'll hand it over. Until then, I'm only taking it off to shower. No joke)

And I haven't even played Brawl yet. What kind of a gamer am I?

I'm beginning to be worried about stuff after this summer. The school here that offers Japanese isn't emailing me back, and that was my one reason for staying here (as opposed to going back to Cali). I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting of this situation that I put myself in- that is, the one where I'm just working some job and waiting to be inspired as to my life path and whatnot, but I'm still a little panicked about lack of direction, and not hearing back about the one goal I had for myself isn't helping :( I'm also beginning to be a little worried about whether Brandon stays at this school or not: unlike him, I believe he'll be allowed to continue, but if he isn't, well, that'll kinda force my hand.

Hopefully a lot of this will be worked out by next week. Brandon's thing will, in any case, and I'm about to start being much pushier towards the community college.

ALSO! My paper oral is April 3rd at 1:30. Yay?

Today is International Women's Day.
International is the key here; in my little feminist-y heart, I like to think we're all always focused on the problem of sexism in this country ("Yes, Ees, of course we are!" Good, good), but today, consider the fact that female circumcisions are still practiced in Africa and the first female prime minister of an Islamic nation was assassinated in December and that the women who choose to become suicide bombers seem to do so because they are not valued as wives or mothers in their societies, and that a thousand other examples of the mistreatment of females are taking place right now.

It's heartbreaking and terrifying that sometimes the fight for equality means fighting for personal safety and health. Don't forget your sistahs, here or abroad.

I finally caught the thing that's been going around :( At least it wasn't during writing period, but still, this is the first week it's been sunny and warm and gorgeous outside. Growl.

Also, I've missed one of each of my classes so far. I'm definitely missing lab this morning, but I'm trying to decide whether I want to tough it out for the other two today or just say fuck it. Gawd I hate SJC's absence policy; I'm sick, I should NOT have to be worrying about this.

Brandon finally got Rock Band (he's had it since Xmas but his family only just shipped it), and I am a drumming fool ^^ I've got medium down pat, but the jump to hard is, well, hard. I keep having to slow the songs down in practice mode so I can learn the techniques/not get freaked out by how fast the notes come :/ Still, banging on pieces of plastic shouldn't be this much fun :)

When I blow my nose I sound like an elephant. Maybe staying home today = yes.

It's bad. The apathy I have towards this school, now that I've finished and turned in The Paper, is killing me. I guess that's not entirely true; all the materials for tutorials are fascinating (Darwin, Faulkner, Non-Euclidean Geometry). It's a combination of the Marx we have to read for seminar (I DON'T CARE ABOUT LINEN JESUS CHRIST), and the fact that all of the readings are 40+ pages. Last week we had 350 pages over the course of the week. That's just... shitty. Why would they do that? They know we're burnt out. Ugh. Hopefully Nietzsche will be better, but it's not like I'll have time to enjoy it even if it is.

I've noticed a disturbing trend in my behavior and attitude since this insane pattern started: I'm not very positive, which means I'm not very nice. The former I don't care about; I don't think I'm gonna regain a good attitude until after I graduate and get to have my own life outside these stupid books. But I've been... not mean, exactly, but certainly less warm and friendly than I should've been, and that really bothers me. I've felt really put-upon lately, and a couple people have actually been consciously pushing my buttons, but I should try to be less curmudgeonly towards all my friends. Something to work on.

I did eet! On Saturday night I turned my senior thesis in to the college :) The whole night was so much fun:

First, Jennie's dad took all the Calliope seniors (!) out to dinner. Mm, Blue Corn. Then we came back and had a couple hours to kill. I was done with my paper, so Graham read us a story.

There is a tradition at St. John's that seniors get to ring the bell in the bell tower. Calliope went early and made a point of ringing the bell first- all together :)

Then we all crammed into a van and headed over to Hunt house (which is somewhere between really fun and terrifying- when you come in they take your essay, bang a gong, and announce your name and paper title to the room). We were the first ones there, too, so we got to hear everyone else's titles, which was cool.

We came back a little before Junior Skit started @ 12:30. The idea is that after we turn our papers in, the juniors perform caricatures of us 'cause it's cute. But, um, this year sucked and stuff. Half the class (myself included) didn't even get a mention, and the other half was either a) completely out of left field or b) just not funny :( Way to go, guys.

But all in all, it was a really wonderful night.

The next day, Brandon and I slept in and played a lot of silly video games. We also ordered Indian food. Honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Here's to a billion million more years, all as amazing <3

So yeah. Best 30 or so hours of my life ^^

Now, though, I'm having real trouble not destroying St. John's. We're immediately getting pelted with really dense and long readings in both seminar and lab, of all classes (although you have not lived until you've looked at fruit fly genitals under a microscope). Also, more and more, people outside the dorm (and some within) are pissing me off. I might have to become a total shut-in for my own mental health, which is a really bizarre and probably not-ok thing to say.

I have not updated this poor thing in forever. Part of that is because of Senior Paper, so that'll take up the bulk of this entry.

For those that don't know, I'm writing my senior thesis on Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter (and for anyone whose reaction was to cringe and wonder if I'm a nutter, well, I am, but try to realize that the way you read it in highschool was fucked and completely destroyed the incredible beauty of the book). My title is The Scaffold and the Forest: Society, Nature and Hester Prynne.

The thing is due tomorrow at Midnight, but I'm very close to being done tonight. This is awesome, as you always hear stories about seniors pulling all-nighters and losing their shit the night before The Paper is due. I feel as though this is a small victory for me :)

So if this gets accepted (and it better damn well be), I'll be outta here in May. Three more months in a place I've been for four years... it's a scary thought. However, I'm planning on staying in Santa Fe.

You probably all think I'm a nutter (again), but I have my reasons. I want to stay where Brandon is. I have a job and a home lined up at least for summer, if not after that. I DON'T want to go to grad school; not yet, anyway. I don't really know what I want to do, and I need a break from being a student for a while. That doesn't mean I won't be learning; I'm planning to take a course at the community college next year. I, er, want to learn Japanese.

Before anyone jumps down my throat for being one of THOSE anime fans, I'd like to say that this is honestly more about the language for me. I've actually always wanted to learn it, and I'm very good at picking up languages. Also, and this is more something to keep in the back of my head, having done four years of translation classes here at SJC, I've found I'm really interested in that art. Who knows?

So yeah, I'm movin' on up.

Other little things: Brandon and I will have been together for a year on Sunday. Yay us! Um... wow, except for paper, my life is kinda boring right now.

One last thing. I'd really like to start using this journal much more, for myself if for nobody else. This means that my entries will probably get a lot more personal. Never into the TMI range, but it may end up being a lot of boring crap about my daily life. I'm not one of those cool people who posts videos and junk :/

It snowed! I live @ 2,500 feet, so this is very unusual for us, but there's a fuckton of snow this morning! I am psyched :)

OK, I have fun doing those stupid New Year's surveys every year, but couldn't find one for this year... so I recycled last year's. Bwaha.

( Bye, '07 )

Oh man, things suck right now. I had two papers due on the same day last week, and because I KICK ASS, I got 'em both done. Better still they, were not terrible; I think the tutors will like 'em. But now I have to get my precept essay written :/ I shouldn't be so unhappy; I already have 3 1/2 pages written, and doing this now will help me later, as my precept was on the same topic as my senior essay, which means I'll more-or-less get to cut and paste this sucker into that essay. It'll mean I hafta do less work over Xmas break (thank God), and I really love the subject matter forever & ever (Scarlet Letter FTW), but... I feel like I have nothing left to give to this place. I am more drained than I ever thought I could be. Miserably so.

Part of that, I have to admit, is due to the acappella group I'm in. It used to be a lot of frigging fun; I used to look forward to our twice-weekly rehearsals and they helped me feel more energized. At this point, though, I feel not taken seriously, and am sort of developing an animosity towards the director and one of the other two girls. I feel like I'm one of the only ones taking the group seriously, and that I'm being punished as a result. My time isn't being taken seriously. So I'm giving myself a couple of days to think it over, 'cause a) I don't want this to be a knee-jerk reaction, and b) it'd really cripple the group if they couldn't find another alto, but I'm strongly considering telling the guys who run it that I won't be joining them next semester.

So papers + unsatisfying choir experience = unhappy Ees. I've been in a pretty bad way since last night (the three-hour rehearsal from hell), minus a few hours' feeling great around midnight last night. I'm trying to tell myself that there are only four more days until I get two months off, but it's not doing very much. Sonorans, please tell me you miss me as much as I miss you :(

I'm pretty sure this song is meant to be emo poetry about a romantic relationship or something, but by an odd twist of misinterpretation, I find it expresses quite well the way I relate to Christianity:

I will be waiting right here
Only to roam
When the bells chime like there is no tomorrow (and you're gonna take me home)
Never gonna ever gonna belong to another, no
Never gonna ever gonna belong to another, no

Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet

My candle shines at night time through the dawn
But my darling you have fallen and don't belong (and I can't carry on)
My candle shines without a doubt
But the wind in your wings blows them out
And for my arms it is too late
And your wings are gonna have to wait

Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet
Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet
Not an angel yet

Never gonna ever gonna belong to another, no

My candle shines without a doubt
But the wind in your wings blows them out
And for my arms it is too late
And your wings are gonna have to wait

Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet (not an angel yet)
Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet
Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet (not an angel yet)
Leave me alone; I am not an angel yet
Not an angel yet

Back to my eight jillion papers.

Thanksgiving! was cool. Me and most of the people in my dorm who stayed on campus instead of traveling all went over to a friend's house and cooked. And cooked. And cooked. We've got tons o' leftovers. The day was great; we watched several movies, giggled at non-gamers playing Super Smash Bros., and enjoyed a hot tub :) AND THEN IT SNOWED. It started that night and went all day Friday. It's pretty much melted now, but it was a nice way to usher in Christmas (if a little early for me, but who am I to argue with Mother Nature?). And I'm sure we'll have more.

The break was really nice, but everything is very meh right now. There's this knowledge that even after today, there's still a good month left in this semester that makes it really hard for the already-burnt-out seniors to really feel refreshed and ready to leap back into the fray. I seriously need to buckle down and work on The Essay, which should be easier than ever now that I finally have a good picture of how I wanna try to answer my question, but... it just isn't happening.

My health has been REALLY up and down in the past two weeks. There was a headache that lasted almost three days, cramps the likes of which I haven't had since middle school, my appetite has been all over the place, etc. The fatigue generally seems to be getting better, but the change is so gradual it's hard to actually assess. I'm still not up for actual exercise, but the other day I went on a short-ish hike. Stuff like that. So I really can't complain, as it certainly isn't as bad as it was this summer or at the beginning of the semester, and I think it all indicates that someday I'll be all better, but it's hard not to have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder.

Stuff with the boy is... well, if I'm gonna be honest with myself, it's not good. He gets real distant and quiet, and I know he doesn't mean it to, but it hurts more each day. Right now, he just isn't the guy I entered into the relationship with, y'know? I know, rationally, that it's because he's a third semester JF (read: this is his third consecutive semester and he's only had a three-week break this summer) and he, if possible, is even more burnt out than I am, but it's harder and harder for me to be the strong one when I honestly don't feel like there's any relief in sight. I guess I just have to have faith that the month-long winter break will help him out and stick it out in the meanwhile. Well, it's the strategy I'm adopting, anyway, 'cause I don't much fancy the alternative.

So yes. I'm sitting here knitting and listening to Sufjan Stevens (seriously, how did I NOT know about this guy?) and trying to wake up from a nap I just took. I'm not the happiest of campers, but it could be worse.

One last thing: if you have not heard of/seen Wizard People, Google it RIGHT NOW. It's damn funny.

I know this story is like two years old, but how did I miss that scientists in Taiwan made pigs that glow in the dark? It's old news by now, but the idea that right now, a somewhere, a green pig is fluorescing happily makes my world a better place.

Things are OK, in general. Despite being completely exhausted the past few days, I can't sleep at all tonight, which is why I'm updating at 2 AM. I feel dizzy and rather nauseas, which pretty well sums up Thursday and Friday for me, but meh.

Life is very up and down these days. I find that I am able to think very rationally about some things, and that I cannot extricate my emotions from other issues. Oh well? I find that I get upset about something, but by the end of the day it'll have resolved itself or I'll have convinced myself to ignore it. There are worse ways to live. Either that, or I'm utterly delusional.

School is BAD. The only good thing about this semester is my precept. Well, fuck.

Several weeks ago, I decided I needed a hobby. Video games don't count, I don't draw often enough for it to fall under that title, and my beloved bike is not an option right now. So I gallivanted off to Hobby Lobby and got myself some yarn and crochet hooks and set to work teaching myself to crochet. Unfortunately, I seem to suck at it. I suck real, real bad. So tonight I threw the hook across the room, got some knitting needles and set to work remembering a skill I haven't used in seven years. I'm not half bad :) It's funny; I used to be adamantly against knitting because my mom kinda forced it down my throat (my mom is a knitting goddess, for those who are unaware), but now I'm extremely grateful she taught me at so young an age because I need some kinda crafty thing to do with my hands, and I don't even have to learn how to do this- just remember. And it is a lot like riding a bike. So yay.

Also, if you hadn't picked up on this, I HAVE BECOME MY MOTHER. I'm not too upset.

Barbershop Mafia continues to make me absurdly happy. Rehearsals get a little... tense, sometimes, but I love all the songs we sing (a first for any choir I've been in, and there've been a few), and the goofing off is good for me (even if I feel like the director might wanna hit me sometimes). Also, I -think- that what Scott and I are is considered friendship again, and that's really, really wonderful.

AND! ANDANDAND! Next weekend me and like everyone else in Calliope and some others are gonna go see Architecture in Helsinki! Here, in Santa Fe! Psyched? You bet.

Ok, I should be writing my paper. But, I can't, because I have to tell you all about the amazing musical discovery I just made...

CexCells by Blaqk Audio. Y'know, the side project AFI has been working on for several years now.

Don't like AFI? That's fine, I don't either. But holy god, this band is good.

It's definitely darkwave/EBM (if that means nothing to you, think Depeche Mode, or maybe even Joy Division, with some VNV Nation influence for good measure). Ben, you would LOVE this stuff.

Guys, it's like an aural orgasm. I cannot write because I have to listen to Snuff On Digital over and over. Havvvve tooooo....

Seriously, I hardly ever make music posts in LJ. This is just that good, that I must pimp it.